Though there's no magic number of rules a family should have, there are three basic steps to rule making that parents can take to ensure more harmony at home.  Parents who constantly punish a child or fight with him over every minor misstep may need to back off.  "Having too many rules creates power struggles," adds Marilyn Gootman, Ph.D., author of The Loving Parent's Guide to Discipline (Berkeley, 2000). 

1.  Set Your Priorities

Family rules typically fall into five categories.

  Safety ("Stay in your car seat.")
  Health, including hygiene and nutrition ("In the summer, we apply 
        sunscreen before going outside.")
  Appropriate Behavior ("Don't burp at the table.")
  Rights ("Knock before you enter the bathroom.")
  Values ("We respect people's feelings.")

To create rules for your family, consider what matters most to you and your spouse in these areas and review the rules you have.  Ask whether they're appropriate and whether you can follow through on them consistently.  Safety and health rules are the easiest to set because they're usually obvious.  Rules about rights and values require greater reflection.

Create a united front.  This doesn't mean that couples have to compromise on every issue.  The spouse who feels most passionately can prevail, as long as each parent formulates about an equal number of rules.

2.  Tailor the Message

It is not enough that a rule be a priority for you and your spouse.  It also has to make sense to your child.  To make sure that it does, Dr. Gootman suggests remembering "C.A.N."  A rule needs to be clear.  ("You're responsible for putting your toys in the box and pulling the covers over your bed" is better for a preschooler than "Make sure your room is clean.")  It must be appropriate.  (A 2-year old has to hold your hand crossing the street, but a 10-year old doesn't.)  Finally, it should be necessary.  (Your child's clothes don't have to match, but he needs a coat when it's cold.)

The way you state the rules makes a difference.  Avoid using words like no, stop, quit, and don't, which can trigger a defiant response in some kids.  If the message is "No muddy shoes in the house," make it "Muddy shoes must be left on the porch."

Once you've set the rules, review them.  If you think you have too many, consider turning some into a routine.  For instance, if your child resists brushing her teeth, explain that it's part of a package:  Bedtime means having a snack, brushing teeth, washing up, and reading a book together.  If it's not a rule, kids have less incentive to try to break it.

3.  Ensure Their Cooperation

One of the most effective ways to get your child to cooperate is to hold a family meeting to discuss the reasons for the limits and arrive at agreements if rules have been broken.  Children are ready for family meetings when they're old enough to listen and express an opinion, generally about age 3.

According to Jody Johnston Pawal, author of The Parent's Toolshop (Ambris Publishing, 2000), stating the consequences in advance is part of the four Rs of discipline.  A consequence needs to be related to the action (riding a bike unsafely means taking away the bike, not the computer); respectful to the child and the adult (speak considerately, and explain that the child made a choice to misbehave and that this is the result); reasonable (not getting ready for school on time isn't cause for a week's grounding); and revealed in advance (so the parent can control her anger and enforce the discipline calmly).

Finally, because your example counts, follow the rules yourself.  In time, your rules may change.  That's not necessarily a sign of weakness, just an acknowledgement that your kids are changing too.  Older children need more independence in some ways and more guidance in others.  Thoughtful rules can help them learn to balance their new freedom with good judgment and a strong sense of right and wrong.